Iron Tears

In prison there is always a first time for everything.  As was the case today.  I must say, it literally shocked me.  I am prepared for a lot, but never expected this…

This was my fourth class day with this group of student inmates.  They are a big group and have been intimidating to me from the beginning.  I have been gentle and patient with them, observing as they slowly grow together as a cohort and curious to see how this dynamic will play out. They are of varying ages, races, and criminal histories….some have been “down” (incarcerated) for a LONG time, for some it is their first time.

Today we were discussing different conflict styles and the best way to handle experiences with each. I would read scenarios, and they would discuss how they would handle them.  The final example was how one would handle catching your brother finishing your chocolate pie without permission.  Many of the inmates joked about making their brother pick up more, or pay them for the amount they ate.

To my surprise, one inmate went on a tangent about family, and how precious time is with them.  He continued to get deeper and deeper on this matter.  Everyone in class became absolutely silent as we gave him our full attention.  I noticed his eyes begin to water.  I figured it was allergies.  Wrong.

He suddenly and unexpectedly began to CRY!

This is a grown man, in PRISON!  Prison code states you never show your weakness, your emotions, your vulnerabilities. I am always very careful not to push the guys emotionally because of this. I am even cautious about displaying too much emotion myself.

As he began to sob, inside I was fighting every instinct to not run over to him and hug him.  I wanted to comfort him.  Tell him I understood and that everything was going to be okay. I quickly assessed the other inmates reactions.  They were also in shock, and very uncomfortable.

What do I do? I very nonchalantly told them it was break time.  Everyone got up and walked out of class.  I saw one inmate walk up behind him and gently pat his shoulder as they left.  They have few opportunities to display such forms of physical comfort to one another, and I am always so touched when I catch it.

My assistant who is also an inmate stayed behind, I could tell he wanted to talk.  When the door closed behind the last student, he told me this class is more than just a class to these men.  It is more like therapy.  It is a rare opportunity for them to relieve emotional stress in a safe environment.

He looked at me very seriously.  He asked me…of all the prisons in the world, why did I think God sent me THERE? I was quiet, I was thinking, I didn’t know what to say. He paused, and said that it was not an accident.  That it is part of God’s perfect plan.  That the inmates need me…and God sent me there on purpose.

Wow.

I know that God loves me.  I trust him. I know he has a very special plan…for all of us.