Boobs in Prison

Today something powerful happened. I got SCARED. The trouble with working in prison is, I work in prison.  Prison rules apply. Let me explain.

When I began teaching in an all male facility, I was nothing shy of terrified. I would shake, sweat, and lose my temper… a lot.  My defense and coping mechanisms manifested in ways that communicated: STAY AWAY!

Over time, I have found my groove.  I am comfortable being myself in safe ways.  What has really eased my stress is having developed a strong rapport with my students that commands respect.  They watch out for me all the time.  They speak up on my behalf when anyone is inappropriate, much like a big brother does for his sister.

My initial teaching assistant I inherited from the teacher I replaced was a veteran convicted child predator.  He didn’t last in my kingdom after a month.  I was onto his manipulative selfish ways very early on….and he got the boot. I was content to run the show without an assistant.  But as my initial class graduated, it became very clear that one of my star pupils would be a wonderful addition to my circus.  It was a tremendous experience and he has been a delight to work with.

I didn’t really understand what I had done until very recently…what that move signaled to the inmates on the compound.  I had replaced my first assistant, a convicted sex predator, with an old school Hells Angel member. I had unwittingly changed my position in the pecking order in the eyes of the prison population.  I showed I was not a child molester sympathizer, but a staff member who aligned myself with men of power capable of violence.  Of course it appeared to all it was a calculated move, for my own safety. I was untouchable.

Looking back I see how people began treating me differently.  Inmates no longer muttered inappropriate things under their breath to me.  They kept their distance and no longer STARED at me or tried to get too close.  If they greeted me, it was in a manner of great respect, as if I was truly a princess in prison.  How silly of me, I thought my reputation as a kind and caring instructor was responsible for all of this. Oh how naïve of me.

Today marked a milestone of change.  I am no longer “protected”.  I see now how vulnerable I truly am.  I can no longer sit in comfort behind a veil of ignorance.

You see, my teaching assistant who has been with me since almost my beginning there is being released in 3 days.  He is going home.  And now I am a sitting duck.

At the end of the day, the Art Club that I VOLUNTEERED to instruct concluded at its usual time.  This is usually chaotic as many inmates are moving around, putting supplies away, and leaving the room.  Because of this, I did not notice the 2 inmates who entered the room.  I was sitting at my desk that is catty-corner in the classroom away from the door and has nothing but a barred window behind it. I had a sense to look up and saw 2 large inmates I did not recognize approaching me…quickly.  I had nowhere to go.  I grabbed my radio and stood up in an attempted power move.  They got as close as they could, one leaning over the desk.  They looked like salivating tigers ready to pounce on weak prey.  I asked them what they wanted.  They began asking me about the class I teach (my salary position) and when it was starting.  If they would be on my roster….blah, blah, blah.  I could see their disgusting eyeballs moving up and down my figure and could almost hear them inhaling deeply to smell me.

I shot back verbally and thank goodness my assistant was nearby and came to my rescue.  Upon seeing him, one of the creepy inmates took off.  The taller and fatter of the two stood his ground.  He became hostile with both of us.  He tried arguing with us and became more and more agitated.  I thought of an excuse to leave and my assistant picked up on my cue and followed out behind me.  I could not have walked faster to the officer’s station on the cellblock.

When I got there it was no wonder the officer hadn’t picked up on what was happening. He was working alone and trying to manage 200 inmates.  I basically threw my supplies in the office and tried to move towards the gate to leave.  OH CRAP!  There are inmates surrounding the door.

As in a mist sent by angels, I see inmate Knowledge.  The inmate who works in my office.  He makes eye contact with me and signals to me to walk to him.  I keep my eyes glued to the floor and follow as closely as I can.  He gets us to the gate and pounds on the door.  The officer buzzes it open and we escape.  He slams it shut and presses on it to make sure it locked behind us.  He walks me outside and stands with me until another officer arrives. Making sure I could leave safely. I was so grateful.

Why has all of this transpired? Because the inmate that spoke up as my guardian is leaving.  He will no longer be there to protect me and all the inmates know it.  What happened in my classroom was a test.  Inmates are testing the waters to see how they can get to me and who will do something to protect me now.  My assistant has lost their respect, because he did not stand up for me.  He can’t anymore and I understand why. Any altercation will jeopardize his release on Sunday. His release to go home and care for his children.  What is more important than that?

Now I am in trouble.  The inmate I have lined up to be my new assistant has no affiliation in the gang world. He is an accountant with a cocaine problem.  I had no idea how vital a choice that was.  Welcome to prison girl.  How do you like your rose-colored glasses now?